


Baby, It's Cold Outside

by DarkQuill, RascalJoy (DarkQuill)



Category: Batman (Comics)
Genre: Batboys, Christmas, Gen, Trolling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-30
Updated: 2015-12-30
Packaged: 2018-05-10 08:04:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5577658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkQuill/pseuds/DarkQuill, https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkQuill/pseuds/RascalJoy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Jason and Dick have a little sing-off...  Much to the chagrin of the rest of the family.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Baby, It's Cold Outside

**Author's Note:**

  * For [incogneat-oh](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=incogneat-oh).



> Based 100% on incogneat-oh's EPIC headcanon:
> 
> Everyone hates being around Jason and Dick even MORE when it hits december, because whenever either one of them tries to go anywhere for any reason, the other one will start up ‘baby it’s cold outside’ and they ALWAYS COMMIT and end up duetting at least half of it.
> 
> Original link: http://incogneat-oh.tumblr.com/post/105871024856/everyone-hates-being-around-jason-and-dick-even
> 
>  
> 
> WARNING: Rated K+ because the song lyrics are a little bit more suggestive than I thought upon first deciding to write this. Please know it is all in jest, and 100% brofluff :)
> 
>  
> 
> Enjoy the brotherly trolling XD

It was a relatively quiet night at Wayne Manor. Oblivious to the winter storm raging outside, the manor's inhabitants curled up comfortably around the warm fire in the living room—and for once, no one was trying to kill anyone.

Bruce had an armchair all to himself, flipping through the day's newspaper as Damian crouched at his feet, absently scratching Titus behind the ears. Cass curled up in the other armchair, studying the flickering tongues of flame in the fireplace. Somehow, Jason, Tim, and Dick had managed to fit themselves onto the same couch, Tim squeezed tightly into the corner and Jason lolling against the opposite arm as Dick somehow managed to cuddle both boys simultaneously.

It was an all together peaceful scene.

Until...

"Time for me to go," Jason yawned, extricating himself from Dick's arm and rising from the couch, stretching briefly. "Gotta do a quick patrol before bed tonight to make sure no one starts busting up the Narrows for Christmas."

"But, Jaybird," Dick protested, sitting up and giving Tim much needed breathing space, "it's cold outside."

Both men froze. Slowly, matching shark-like grins appeared on both faces.

Tim stiffened in his seat. "Oh my—No, Dick, no."

"Too late," Bruce muttered under his breath, ducking further behind his paper as his two eldest moved slowly toward each other.

"What?" Damian demanded, glancing between the two of them suspiciously. "What's going on?"

No one bothered to reply.

Then, "I really can't stay," Jason sang softly, his low, husky voice strangely melodic as it echoed through the room.

Dick grinned. "Baby, it's cold outside." His higher tone was slightly disorienting considering he was technically singing the guy's part.

"I gotta go away," Jason continued, giving an over exaggerated swing of the hips as he whirled to face the door, pulling a knitted cap over his ears.

"Baby, it's cold outside," Dick crooned, stepping closer.

"This evening has been—"

"Been hoping that you'd drop in."

"—So very nice."

Dick stepped forward, reaching out to the younger. "I'll hold your hands they're just like ice."

"My mother will start to worry," Jason chided.

Dick shrugged, smirking as he echoed: "Beautiful, what's your hurry?"

"Guys!" Tim protested, a red hue tinging his cheeks. "Stop being weird!"

"My father will be pacing the floor," Jason continued, ignoring the younger's comment.

Dick cupped his hand to his ear, exaggeratedly leaning back into the room. "Listen to the fireplace roar."

Shaking his head, Jason sang, "So really I'd better scurry."

"Beautiful, please don't hurry."

Jason shrugged, relenting: "Well, maybe just a half a drink more."

Dick grinned so wide, his teeth sparkled in the lowlight. "Why don't you put some records on while I pour." Putting an arm around Jason's shoulders, he guided him back into the room, Jason strangely compliant as he followed Dick.

"The neighbors might think," Jason muttered, accepting a glass of eggnog and sipping as Dick chided: "Baby, it's bad out there."

Jason frowned, eyes crossing as he stared down into the contents of his glass. "Say, what's in this drink?"

"No cabs to be had out there," Dick assured, sitting Jason back on the couch and plopping down next to him.

"I wish I knew how," Jason sighed.

Dick examined Jason's eyes, which sparkled brightly in the light of the fireplace. "Your eyes are like starlight now," he interrupted.

"To break this spell."

"I'll take your hat," Dick volunteered, pulling the skullcap from Jason's head. He raised an eyebrow. "Your hair looks swell."

In fact, it was quite messy from its short time in the hat. Nevertheless, Jason grinned. "Why, thank you!" Then, he seemed to reconsider. "I ought to say no, no, no, sir."

"Mind if I move in closer?" Dick cuddled against his brother's side, and Jason resisted the urge to break character and roll his eyes. (This was the part of the song Dick liked the most, for obvious reasons.)

"At least I'm gonna say that I tried," Jason sighed.

"What's the sense of hurtin' my pride?" Dick agreed, wrapping his arms around the younger man.

"I really can't stay," Jason said half-heartedly.

"Baby, don't hold out," Dick chided.

Then, together in an actually acceptable harmony: "Baby, it's cold outside."

Jason huffed indignantly. "Ah, you're very pushy, you know?"

Dick smiled languidly, tightening his hug. "I like to think of it as opportunistic."

And man, Jason was pretty sure he meant it.

"I simply must go," Jason insisted, attempting to untangle himself from Dick's limbs.

"Baby, it's cold outside," Dick sighed lazily.

That is, until Jason shoved his head backward, forcing the older man to relinquish his grip so Jason could slip off the couch. "The answer is no," Jason snapped.

"But baby, it's cold outside!" Dick leapt up, following Jason toward the door.

"The welcome has been..."

"How lucky that you'd dropped in."

"...So nice and warm," Jason admitted.

Dick gestured at the drifting snowflakes outside. "Look out the window at that storm."

Jason rolled his eyes. "My sister will be suspicious." He surreptitiously winked at Cass who was watching with a faintly bemused expression from her corner.

A smile broke out on Dick's face as he stared at the eggnog mustache that appeared with Jason's final sip from his glass: "Gosh, your lips look delicious!"

"Okay," Tim snapped, slamming his book closed and standing abruptly, cheeks flaming red. "You guys are impossible. I'm gone."

He was ignored.

"My brother will be there at the door," Jason chided, giving Tim a devilish wink that only served to increase the poor boy's facial temperature.

Waving a dismissive hand, Dick replied, "Waves upon a tropical shore."

"My maiden aunt's mind is vicious," Jason warned, smirking at the slightly cracked kitchen door where Alfred was last seen.

Grinning wickedly, Dick leaned toward Jason. "Gosh, your lips are—!"

"That's it!" Tim roared, tackling his brothers around the waist. Off balance, the two staggered backward—right out the mysteriously open front door. Rapidly, Tim slammed the entrance shut on the two stumbling men, locking it before they could regain their feet.

"Thank goodness," Bruce muttered from his chair.

Tim stalked back into the room, fuming so that steam was practically rising from his ears. "Don't let them back in," he warned. And then he stalked up the stairs to a final harmony of, "Baby, it's coooooooolllldd oooouuutssiiiiiiiiiidee!" muffled through the door.

There was a lengthy silence.

And then, "Father," Damian said slowly, carefully. "Is this some American Yuletide tradition I was not made aware of?"

Bruce considered this a moment. "Something like that."

* * *

 

Outside, the two men stood on the porch blinking at each other.

"Well," Jason said finally, zipping up his leather jacket. "I've got to get home. Mission accomplished: Baby Bird is bright red and angry. You owe me ten bucks." With that, he turned abruptly, walking across the porch as Dick ogled his back.

"Hey! He blushed! You owe _me_ ten bucks," Dick protested.

"But I said he'd kick us out," Jason countered. " _You_ said he'd hide in his room."

Dick pouted as Jason started down the stairs. A brisk wind sped through the night, whisking through Dick's hair and flimsy clothes. He suddenly became very aware that he was currently at a severe disadvantage in that he was stuck on the icy porch in nothing but a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt.

"Say, lend me a coat?" he called after the retreating figure of his brother.

"Nope," Jason popped. "Last I checked, this is _Jason's_ jacket, not _Dick's_ jacket. Deal with it."

"But it's cold outside!" Dick protested. Promptly, he flushed, realizing his unintentional pun.

Jason paused. Slowly, he turned, raising a single eyebrow at the shivering man. "Yes, it is, Dick. Yes it is."


End file.
